Who Wears the Pants

As I was researching up on spina bifida, I ran across a thread in a forum for dads that asked the question of how often husbands slept on the couch. Being somewhat of an expert in this area, I decided to see how other husbands responded. 

I was a bit surprised at the answers. The majority said that they’ve never slept on the couch before, even after a fight. The argument was if the man bought the bed, it should be his God-given right to sleep on the bed that naturally belonged to him. If their wife didn’t like that idea, they could just sleep on the couch. 

I question the validity of these responses. Surely loving husbands wouldn’t do that. I assume this to be a case of married men masquerading around, pretending that they’re still rough and tough in front of their single, male friends, when in reality, they’re really sensitive teddy bears. Let me give you an example.

What married men say at the water cooler:

Single, male co-worker 1: What’d you do this weekend?
Married, male co-worker 2: Well, I went hunting, shot a deer, got drunk with the boys at the bar, and then had wild sex with the wifey and her best friend for 3 hours straight.
Single, male co-worker 1: Oh, yea! You da man!

In actuality:

Single, male co-worker 1: What’d you do this weekend?
Married, male co-worker 2: Well, in the morning, I helped the wife plant some Pernetiana roses in the garden. They’re just splendid to look at this time of year. Then, I had a delightful time having afternoon tea and eating crumpets with some of her friends. Finally, I spent a quiet evening watching our favorite show, Glee, on TV, and then went off to bed at 10. No sex.
Single, male co-worker 1: Oh…

(Awkward silence commences)

I showed the thread to Jessie and told her how lucky she was to have someone like me.  As you all know by now, I’ve openly admitted to sleeping on the couch on numerous occasions. But I’d like to clear some things up. 

First of all, when we got married, there was no more my stuff/her stuff. It all became her stuff. Therefore, the bed doesn’t belong to me, just like everything else in the apartment has now become a property of my wife’s. I lay no claim to anything, except perhaps my dirty drawers and the sock that has a giant hole where my big toe can stick through. 

Second, whenever the wife and I get into a heated argument, she usually doesn’t want to sleep in the same bed as me. Instead, she tries to sleep on the couch. Of course, being the gentleman that I am, I cannot allow this. Therefore, when it’s bedtime, I’ll usually run to and occupy the couch first before she can take it. This way, she’s forced to sleep on the bed. Who says chivalry is dead? 

If anyone wants to poke fun at me and say that my wife wears the pants in this family, I’ve got the last laugh. You see, my wife prefers to wear leggings over pants! In other words, I still wear the pants in this family! Hah!