Run, Fat Girl, Run

The wife just called during lunch break and asked what I was doing. I said I was journaling. She asked if I was poking fun at her again. I said, "Yes." 

And here it is for your viewing pleasure:

I’ve been trying forever to get Jessie to exercise. This started way before she even got pregnant. She complains about always having no energy, being exhausted by the least amount of walking, and even getting short of breath from talking. And if that's not enough evidence, need I remind you about the pooch? I’m no doctor, just your everyday baby expert, but it seems like someone’s really out of shape.

In the beginning, I tried to get her jogging. She was like Simon Pegg in Run, Fat Boy, Run. She’d stretch as if she were about to run the New York Marathon, but when we’d hit the street, it would be a block and right back up to watch TV. I even bought her these spiffy new running shoes to encourage her to run more. If anything, they've encouraged her to do less, if that's even possible. She wore them once for a total of 3 minutes, and they’ve been in their box ever since.

Then, I tried to get her into swimming. I bought her some swimming goggles, a kickboard, and a whole packet of tickets to get into the swimming pool. She doesn’t know how to swim, so I had to teach her. I’d have her hold onto the side of the pool and practice kicking her legs in the water. This would last about ten seconds after which she’d request a 10 minute break, followed by another ten second spurt and then another 10 minute break.

I asked her what she wanted to do for exercise, and she suggested hiking in the mountains, which I was more than happy to do since I like being out in nature. This seems like a win-win situation except for the fact that I drive 40 minutes to get there and she only walks for 5 minutes before heading back to the car. Not exactly the most time efficient way to exercise.

Finally, I got the Wii Fit in hopes of making exercise fun for her. This lasted two days. I suppose it didn’t help when I started making everything into a competition and had to beat her at every game, which I did, in a thoroughly devastating, humiliating fashion. No one gets past the master of the Lotus Focus. No one.

There’s always some sort of excuse for her. Here are just a few out of the hundreds: I’m too tired, It’s too late, It’s too cold, It’s too hot, I’ll go tomorrow, Let’s wait until the weekend, I’m on my period, My stomach hurts, I want to watch TV, I’m not feeling well, I have a headache, I’m in a bad mood, I don’t like how you push me. You name it, she’s probably said it.

Her newest excuse is that she’s pregnant, which I concede isn't really an excuse, but a pretty good reason that I can't argue with. This is her ace in the hole. I’m sure she’s quite delighted in the fact that I can’t make her go and exercise because of the fear that something might happen to our baby. However, I am worried because if she already felt her body was out of shape before being pregnant, I can't imagine how she's going to feel once she's really into her pregnancy.

I'm not denying the fact that pregnant women have it tough and need a lot of rest, nor am I one to force her to do anything she doesn't want, but I’ve got a bit of news that might put a damper on her party. It’s actually recommended that pregnant women exercise during their first trimester! Surprise!

It can help with bloating, backaches, constipation, stress, anxiety, leg cramps, and lack of energy. So all the things she's been complaining about could probably be alleviated a bit by some more movement. In fact, studies have shown that babies born to mothers who exercise frequently are often more neurologically advanced.

Look, I admit I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer, so I'd rather not have our kid be the bluntest butter knife in the classroom. Just a few minutes of extra walking a day could be all that stands in the way of our child and Harvard.

Here, I mapped out a simple mathematical equation to represent this:
Developing fetus x Exercise = Harvard.

I figure the only way to actually get Jessie to exercise is to stop picking her up from work and making her walk back home. Of course I'd be there escorting her back like a gentleman, but my money’s riding on the fact that it’ll probably land me a free trip to the couch.