Flex Those Muscles

Back in college, I was big on going to the gym and working out. I’d go there 5 times a week for roughly 2 hours each time. I even had a fitting nickname, Flex, which was given to me by some random guy while playing a game of basketball. The name stuck and from that point on, that’s what everybody called me, until a few year back.

Ever since being married, working out does not exist in my vocabulary. I’ve already got the woman of my dreams, so who else do I have to impress? While I haven’t exactly gotten chubby or fat, my muscles have definitely loss their mass and definition. I know I should be doing more to maintain my body and health. It’s a bit embarrassing at work when I climb four flights of stairs and come out gasping for air, unable to finish a complete sentence. 

However, I think I’ve found an easy solution to this problem. After visiting my friend Karen and holding her baby for 10 minutes while out for a walk, my biceps were on fire and straining just to hold him up. I realized I had just stumbled across a goldmine and time saver. 

This is the perfect workout for dads like me! I could start a whole new revolution in workout routines that involve babies. Why no one has tried to capitalize on this yet is beyond me. My exercise videos would be titled, “Buff by Baby: Your 10 Minute Workout to a Fitter You.”

Bloody Disgusting

We just went to visit my cousin Gene and his wife, Doris, who just had a good-looking baby boy. While at the hospital, Gene recounted his horrifying experience with the birth of his son. 

For some reason, the doctors and nurses didn’t bother to cover up Doris’ lower half with a sheet. Without that sheet, Gene could see everything that was going on down below. The sight of blood, bodily fluids, the placenta, umbilical cord, and everything else that comes along with the baby was enough to nearly make him pass out. Even the doctors and nurses were more concerned about his well-being than his wife’s. This firsthand experience gave him a newfound respect for women and everything they go through. 

I asked if he had any pictures to go along with his story, for this gruesome tale of blood and guts interested me. He just looked at me crazy-eyed. I said it’s important to document such events, so you can look back upon it later in life and fully appreciate it. Jessie says there’s nothing in the world that would make her want to ever look at those pictures. 

Even if we don’t personally look at them, I figure they could come in handy in the future. If our unmarried, teenage daughter ever has the urge to become pregnant, I can whip out these pictures, shove them in her face, and say, “Is this what you want?! Does this look like fun to you?! Huh?! Huh?! Does it?!”

Click here and see what comes out after the baby and tell me if you still think having a baby is fun.

The Hassles of Buying a Car Seat

When it comes to online shopping, I like using Amazon. It’s convenient, cheaper than most sites, and I find the customer reviews useful. Lately, I’ve been using it to look for a car seat to buy. I found one that I like. Many independent websites have it listed as a reliable car seat and it has the most positive reviews compared with other car seats. 

I tell Jessie that we should look into buying this one, but she says that she doesn’t trust reviews because you don’t know who’s actually writing them. Perhaps it’s the company itself giving their own product a five-star rating. But somehow, I doubt the majority of comments are like that. 

She’d rather trust a picture than a review. A picture?! For real?! What can you tell about a product from a picture other than what color it is? But maybe that’s why she doesn’t like the car seat I picked out. It’s brown, which isn’t exactly the most flattering color out there for a girl, but safety comes first, right? I’d rather have my daughter safe and sound in an ugly-looking car seat than splattered all over a pretty-looking one after a car accident. 

I find it frustrating when I try to make a case for why we should buy this car seat and having her tell me that we can’t trust whatever is written about it. And then she proceeds to give me her own “expert” opinion based off of what she sees from the picture. The car seat I like has over 250 helpful reviews, most of which are positive. The car seat she likes? 4 reviews, on top of which she has no solid reason as to why we should buy it. 

 

Maybe she thinks more expensive is better? After all, you do get what you pay for. Mine is roughly $140 dollars, while hers comes in at a whopping $300. I don’t have a problem shelling out money as long as I know what I’m getting is worth that price. Is the quality of a $200 Louis Vuitton wallet that much better than my $10 wallet? I highly doubt it. Unless she gives me some evidence to back this $300 price tag, I’ll stick to my ugly, brown car seat.

Another concern we have is that our tiny Toyota Vios might be too small to hold any of the car seats we like. Her solution? Get a newer, bigger car. Oh, of course! Why didn’t think of that? Let me just go to the back and pick some hundred dollar bills off our money tree.

My ugly, brown, but top-rated car seat.

Her car seat.

Happy Birthday to Me

Today is my birthday. Can anyone guess what Jessie bought for me, again? I’m beginning to think that clothes are her back-up option when she has no other ideas for presents. Let me help you out, alcohol is always a safe bet. Sex is good, too.

Speaking of clothes, we were at her parents’ house looking at the old clothes left over from Sally’s two kids, and her mom says to take all of them. I agreed with her, thinking this could help free up money so we could buy other things. 

Apparently, when heard by the ears of a pregnant woman, this means all our daughter will be wearing is boy’s hand-me-downs. I’m labeled a cheapskate and a deadbeat dad. How come I’m always misunderstood?!

Better Late than Never

It’s finally happened, people. The wife and I have finally caught up with the rest of the world. That’s right, we got ourselves an iPhone! If you notice a dip in entries, this is the reason why. I’m probably busy playing with my new toy.

At first, Jessie was a bit hesitant at making the purchase because of the price tag that came with it, but as I told her, I refuse to be a parent who doesn’t keep up with technology and seems like an inept oaf to their kid. I want to make sure I’m up-to-date with all the latest gizmos and gadgets and crazes, so I can connect with our child. 

Jessie’s worried that she’s already fallen way behind the curve. For people like us who come from simpler times, we just use the phone to call people. The end. There never was an urge or need to play games on them, send e-mails, watch videos, and do the countless other things that phones can do now. There never really seemed a need to use it for anything else…until now.

After having the phone for a few days, I can see what the hype is about. The phone is amazing! I’m memorized by my new wonder toy. I’ve already spent countless hours pouring over the seemingly unending list of apps that I can play with on my phone. And the wife is definitely less than pleased at the amount of time I’m spending with my new baby.  

I look to the future and think of all the educational uses something like the iPad could provide our daughter with. Games, books, educational tools…all in one handy, easy to carry tablet. The possibilities are truly endless. And as an added bonus, I get to use it, too!

Now the only thing that’s left is to see what the whole hubbub over Twitter is.

The Tide is Turning

I haven’t brought up the topic of baby names with Jessie for awhile now. It’s a strategic move on my part. Jessie hasn’t thought of any decent names herself, so if I’m able to drag this out long enough, by the time the baby comes, Rosalyn will be the only choice on the table. The wife will have no choice but to accept it, unless she wants the baby to be officially called, No Name.

I’ve also managed to get some unexpected help in my baby name quest. To keep in touch with Sally and her family while they are in Italy, Jessie’s mom got an iTouch so we could Facetime with them. 

Apparently, Sally has already taught her kids what I want to name our baby, because if you ask her one year old son, Jack, what our baby’s name is, he will say, “Rosalyn.” Of course, he says it in a really cute way that only babies can pull off. How could you not like the name, Rosalyn, after hearing him say it?

I’m thrilled at this news. Jack has singlehandedly turned the tide in my favor. I wouldn’t want to confuse him later on by telling him that our daughter’s name has changed. It’s like thinking a person’s name is Jim your entire life, only to have him tell you one day that it’s really Cooter. This kind of stuff could really mess up a kid and turn his world upside down.

Less is More

One of the things that I’ve been contemplating in my mind is whether or not to give our baby a shorter name. I still like Rosalyn, but that’s 6 letters that she will have to learn to write. If I were to cut it down to a three-letter name, like Ada or even better, a two-letter name like Di, I figure she could learn how to write her name twice as fast. 

While other kids are still struggling to write their names in first grade, my kid will have already been an expert at it and could turn her attention to other scholarly pursuits. Scholarly pursuits that could eventually pave the way to Harvard, which means it’s time to… you guessed it, update the Harvard Equation!

Developing fetus x (Exercise + Stress + DHA) + (My IQ ÷ Spouse’s IQ)² - √(Two-letter name) = Harvard.

If you want to choose a short name for your child, you’d do well to stay away from the Bible. It contains six 15-letter names, two 16-letter names, one 17-letter name, and one 18-letter name.

To all the Chushanrishathaim’s and Mahershalalhashbaz’s of the world, we salute you, but you’ve got a really, really long road ahead of you if you ever plan on getting into Harvard.

An Aversion to Pain

Mom: Have you thought about how you want to have your baby?
Jessie: I’d like to have a natural birth. But we’ll see what the doctor thinks when the time comes.

Is adding that last sentence really necessary? Every time someone asks her, she feels a need to add it in. I know that there’s a possibility that complications could arise in which the doctor would have to perform a C-section, but to me, it almost seems as if she’s hoping and wishing that the doctor will tell her, “Sorry, but things haven’t gone as planned. I’m afraid we need to perform a C-section on you.” This way, the responsibility falls off her and no one can blame her for not going through with a natural birth because she wanted to avoid the pain.

I know this because Jessie shirks from anything that involves anything hard or painful. This is probably the reason she avoids exercising or playing Sudoku with me. The minute things get a little tough, she starts waving the white flag.

Often times, I joke with her and ask if she’s really American rather than Taiwanese because in the book Outliers, by Malcolm Gladwell, it was reported that Americans on average tend to give up quicker than Asians when confronted with a difficult situation or problem. 

With people after people recounting the excruciating pain of their baby’s birth, I’m worried that she’s beginning to having second thoughts about a natural birth. And who can blame her. Who in their right mind would want to go through this sort of pain besides a sadomasochist?

A C-section seems so much more appealing. It’s the simple way out of something difficult. Obviously, the choice is up to her. I can’t make the decision for her, and I support whatever decision she makes, but I hope she stays strong. If she can tolerate being around me for as long as she has, then I’m pretty sure giving birth shall be nothing but a mere blip in the whole scheme of things.

You be the Judge

 

Her shirt or my free e-card. Which makes a better Valentine’s Day present? You can probably guess the wife’s answer, but I’ll let you be the judge after reading the facts.

1. I’m a guy, not a girl or metrosexual. For the millionth time, don’t buy me clothes as presents! That’s like me giving you a tool kit. Would you like that? No, you wouldn’t.
   
2. I’m a simple man with simple needs. All that’s really necessary is a heart-felt written card. But apparently my request falls on deaf ears. I have probably received more articles of clothing from her than cards.
   
3. My e-card was a Hallmark e-card. Not some rinky-dink, no-name brand card. This is the Mercedes Benz of greeting cards, people!
   
4. My e-card was personalized. Was her shirt personalized? I don’t think so. She’s the only one in the whole world who will ever possess that e-card which was written by me. Who knows how many other guys are wearing my shirt at this very moment.
   
5. My e-card was funny. Who wouldn’t love to receive an e-card that has ducks flying across and dropping in to say a “quack” hello? Hilarious!
   
6. My e-card was free. Need I say more? Harvard ain’t going to pay for itself. We gotta cut costs somewhere in order to save money.

In closing, I did it for the baby.

Is it Me?

One of the things I’ve read about is how most women pick up their sex drive during the 2^nd trimester. That’s something I’ve been patiently waiting for ever since I found out the wife was pregnant. Unfortunately, it seems like I‘ll be kept waiting a bit longer.

Me: You know how most women have an increased sex drive during the 2^nd trimester?
Jessie: What about it?
Me: Well, I’ve been wondering why you still have no interest in it, and I think I’ve found the reason.
Jessie: And what is the reason?
Me: I just read that women who have a lot of back and abdominal pains throughout their pregnancy won’t be in the mood to think about sex. I was really beginning to worry that it was me. So silly of me to think that! This has taken a load off my mind.
Jessie: Or maybe it is you.
Me: Oh…