The Second Worst Pain to Childbirth

It’s swollen and bruised, ravaged and beaten to a bloody submission. The wife curls up into the fetal position and whimpers whenever she thinks about it. Obviously, I’m talking about her nipples and her reaction to breastfeeding. The pain, she says, is only second to that of giving birth. It’s hard to believe that a baby with no teeth that’s less than a week old can cause so much damage and pain. When I try to imagine what the sensation of a baby breastfeeding on a nipple might feel like, I think of an old person with no teeth, like Herbert from Family Guy, weakly gumming and drooling on a nipple, say Chris’. It’s a disturbing mental image, but definitely not painful.

The majority of women will feel 30 to 60 seconds of pain (from the nipple and areola being pulled into the baby’s mouth), and then the pain should subside. However, if the baby consistently latches on incorrectly, you’re in for a doozy. The result will be sore, cracked, bloody nipples. And trust me, it is not a pretty sight.

Unfortunately, the wife falls into the category of having the baby latch on incorrectly. Normally, you want the baby to take in as much of the areola as possible, not just the nipple. But it’s not as easy as it seems, or so the wife says. I’m guessing it’s something akin to docking the space shuttle with the space station. It takes precise timing and accuracy.

Even more unfortunate is the fact that Hannah, unlike Caitlyn when she was a baby, loves to drink the wife’s milk. It’s a blessing and a curse, I suppose. The wife really wants to breastfeed as long as possible, but that’s contingent on how long her nipples can hold out for until they throw in the towel. And I suppose it also partly depends on if she has enough milk to keep up with the demand. With Caitlyn, she never had that much milk production, so she stopped breast feeding after about six months. Fingers crossed, we shall see if the wife can surpass this mark. No pain, no gain! Says the person who doesn't have to endure giving birth or breastfeeding.