Me and My Buddy

It’s now been about a month since the wife gave birth to Hannah Piper and another two weeks before she’ll come home from the postpartum center. You’re probably thinking, “Lucky you! You'll have been a free man for over a month!” Unfortunately, there is no freedom when there’s another kid impatiently waiting for you at home.

It was decided that the best option would be to let Caitlyn visit the wife only once a week while she stayed at the postpartum center. However, we had to carefully plan our exit strategy. Without it, we’d be left with a crazed, screaming kid clinging to the wife with a vice-like grip and a crowd of people with their cell phones out, ready to upload the next viral video.

Sometimes, the plan is as simple as snatching Caitlyn up and running out before she has a chance to react. Other times, trickery and deception might be used, such as pretending we’re all going out, buckling ourselves into the car, and then having the wife pretend she forgot something. She leaves the car, I drive off, and the kid is strapped to her car seat. Bam! Mission accomplished.

In any case, crying and screaming are to be expected. There’s no way around it. She’d ask why Mommy wasn’t coming home. Then, she’d plead and beg to let her stay the night with Mommy and how she’d be good and wouldn’t cry anymore. It was all heartbreaking to watch. Sometimes, I just wanted to wrap my arms around her tight and cry along with her and give in to her demands. But I had to remain detached and unyielding. I had to just let her cry it out, which was just torturous.

I used to think that it would affect her mentally and emotionally, but it seems she forgets about it rather quickly. Especially when there’s Dora on TV. Out of sight, out of mind. And with the wife out of sight and out of mind, I’ve become the go-to-guy for Caitlyn, which means she basically shadows me wherever I go. She’s wary of leaving my sight. She’s lost her mommy, and she’ll be damned if she loses me too. 

I have to admit that I kind of like it because it’s like we’re best buddies now. The first thing she does when I come back from work is yell out my name and come running over to give me a great big hug. And at night, she'll hold me tight as she falls asleep. I know she’s just using me in a temporary fashion and that I’ll be tossed aside the second the wife is back, but still, I’ll take it any way I can.

However, this bond of ours creates a bit of an issue in the morning when I have to leave for work. The first couple of days, she’d wake up with me and follow me around, begging to let her go to work with me. The only way for me to leave was to have Grandpa or Grandma snatch her up while I quickly made my way out the door. This obviously led to lots of screaming and crying, which then led to Grandpa and Grandma showering her with gifts and surprises as bribes, which then led to me being upset about Caitlyn being spoiled.

But as long as she doesn’t see me leaving, she's actually OK, so the only solution is to get up super early while Caitlyn is still dead asleep and slip out. Therefore, I now get up at 5:30 in the morning, wash my face and brush my teeth in the kitchen sink, change clothes in the living room, and am out the door by 6. I’m constantly tense and nervous the whole time, not knowing if and when Caitlyn will come bursting in and ruin my quiet getaway. It may all seem a bit extreme, but desperate times call for desperate measures. It's a small price to pay. Plus, I get in an extra hour of prep time at work. Win-win for everyone.