Black Swan

Warning: The following post may contain spoilers about the movie, Black Swan. Also, it contains references to erections. More specifically, my erections. If you have any misgivings about either subject, this post might not be for you.

One thing that’s been cut out of our life since having Caitlyn is movies. We haven’t been able to sit down and properly watch a movie because the baby constantly needs to be tended to. Also, when the baby’s sleeping, the volume on the TV is turned down, which means I can’t hear or follow what anyone is saying.

These days, my strategy for watching a movie is reading a detailed synopsis of the movie beforehand. This way, if I need to leave the couch to take care of the baby, I won’t be lost whenever I return because I’ll already know what happened.

I’ll be the first to say that my taste in movies probably isn’t for everyone. Most movies I enjoy watching usually are the straight-to-DVD type or made for TV movies that are so bad that they’re actually enjoyable. This can be a slight annoyance to anyone who watches movies with me.

I remember one time in high school, I really wanted to watch the movie, The Other Sister. It’s a movie about a mentally retarded girl who falls in love. It seemed like a touching story at the time, so I rented it and watched it with my friends, telling them that this would be an amazing movie that they wouldn’t regret. After barely making it through the film, they felt it their civic duty to ban me from ever selecting another movie to watch.

This past Saturday, the wife suggests that we rent a DVD. She assures me that with the baby sleeping more soundly now at night, we can easily make it through a movie without any distractions. Already used to my questionable taste in films, she tells me to get whatever I want, but I tell myself that for once, I should rent a movie she wants to watch. There will be no screening of Steven Segal’s latest flick tonight.

As I make my way through the aisles of videos, I spot the movie, Black Swan. The wife likes Natalie Portman and has wanted to see it, so I knew this would be a safe pick. When I proudly show her what DVD I rented, she commends me on my selection.

If you’re not familiar with the movie, it’s basically about a ballet dancer, Nina (Natalie Portman), who feels her starring role in the ballet, Swan Lake, is being threatened by a newcomer, Lily (Mila Kunis).

In the movie, there are a few sexually graphic scenes. One of them involves Nina and Lily. Being a man, I can’t help but be turned on a bit by the scene. The wife notices and immediately starts laughing and thinking that this is the funniest thing she’s seen in years. In fact, this is probably the most I’ve seen her laugh in quite a long time.

I shrug my shoulders and say it’s a completely natural reaction. There's nothing to be embarrassed about here. In fact, if I didn’t get turned on, she should be worried. What guy wouldn’t be aroused by two hot women going at it? It’s not like I was getting turned on by the muscular men dancing around to classical music in tight leotards.

Now, if I was watching with my parents and got turned on, that would be a rather embarrassing situation. Whenever I used to watch movies with my parents and a sex scene would come up, I couldn’t cover my face or turn away. That would have made things even more awkward, so instead, I’d start reciting the multiplications table in my head. This usually distracted me enough until the scene ended. I always did wonder what my parents were thinking during such scenes. Did they think, “Ohhh….that’s hot!” or were they completely repulsed by it.

With the wife, I didn’t think it mattered. So what if she saw my erection. It’s not like it’s the first time she’s seen it. Well, the wife thought it was a huge deal and kept bringing it up throughout the movie and even after. She said it was so funny that she wanted to start a blog just so she could write about it. It seems, that my erection, not our daughter, is what it takes to compel her to start journaling. And if this is what it takes to make the wife laugh and be happy, so be it.

When we finish watching the movie and head off to bed, I try to reenact the steamy scene with Nina and Lily. But staying true to the character of Nina, the wife is cold and frigid in bed and resists my advances.

In the end, I finally give up. Perhaps she’s just really getting into character, perhaps she’s too tired, or perhaps it’s due to the fact that I haven’t taken a shower for the past 2 days. 4 days, if you want to include Sunday and today. Yes, my personal hygiene has been a bit lacking as of late, but at least I'm doing my part for water conservation.

And my final verdict for Black Swan? A sexually arousing 8.5 out of 10.