Less is More

One of the things that I’ve been contemplating in my mind is whether or not to give our baby a shorter name. I still like Rosalyn, but that’s 6 letters that she will have to learn to write. If I were to cut it down to a three-letter name, like Ada or even better, a two-letter name like Di, I figure she could learn how to write her name twice as fast. 

While other kids are still struggling to write their names in first grade, my kid will have already been an expert at it and could turn her attention to other scholarly pursuits. Scholarly pursuits that could eventually pave the way to Harvard, which means it’s time to… you guessed it, update the Harvard Equation!

Developing fetus x (Exercise + Stress + DHA) + (My IQ ÷ Spouse’s IQ)² - √(Two-letter name) = Harvard.

If you want to choose a short name for your child, you’d do well to stay away from the Bible. It contains six 15-letter names, two 16-letter names, one 17-letter name, and one 18-letter name.

To all the Chushanrishathaim’s and Mahershalalhashbaz’s of the world, we salute you, but you’ve got a really, really long road ahead of you if you ever plan on getting into Harvard.

An Aversion to Pain

Mom: Have you thought about how you want to have your baby?
Jessie: I’d like to have a natural birth. But we’ll see what the doctor thinks when the time comes.

Is adding that last sentence really necessary? Every time someone asks her, she feels a need to add it in. I know that there’s a possibility that complications could arise in which the doctor would have to perform a C-section, but to me, it almost seems as if she’s hoping and wishing that the doctor will tell her, “Sorry, but things haven’t gone as planned. I’m afraid we need to perform a C-section on you.” This way, the responsibility falls off her and no one can blame her for not going through with a natural birth because she wanted to avoid the pain.

I know this because Jessie shirks from anything that involves anything hard or painful. This is probably the reason she avoids exercising or playing Sudoku with me. The minute things get a little tough, she starts waving the white flag.

Often times, I joke with her and ask if she’s really American rather than Taiwanese because in the book Outliers, by Malcolm Gladwell, it was reported that Americans on average tend to give up quicker than Asians when confronted with a difficult situation or problem. 

With people after people recounting the excruciating pain of their baby’s birth, I’m worried that she’s beginning to having second thoughts about a natural birth. And who can blame her. Who in their right mind would want to go through this sort of pain besides a sadomasochist?

A C-section seems so much more appealing. It’s the simple way out of something difficult. Obviously, the choice is up to her. I can’t make the decision for her, and I support whatever decision she makes, but I hope she stays strong. If she can tolerate being around me for as long as she has, then I’m pretty sure giving birth shall be nothing but a mere blip in the whole scheme of things.

You be the Judge

 

Her shirt or my free e-card. Which makes a better Valentine’s Day present? You can probably guess the wife’s answer, but I’ll let you be the judge after reading the facts.

1. I’m a guy, not a girl or metrosexual. For the millionth time, don’t buy me clothes as presents! That’s like me giving you a tool kit. Would you like that? No, you wouldn’t.
   
2. I’m a simple man with simple needs. All that’s really necessary is a heart-felt written card. But apparently my request falls on deaf ears. I have probably received more articles of clothing from her than cards.
   
3. My e-card was a Hallmark e-card. Not some rinky-dink, no-name brand card. This is the Mercedes Benz of greeting cards, people!
   
4. My e-card was personalized. Was her shirt personalized? I don’t think so. She’s the only one in the whole world who will ever possess that e-card which was written by me. Who knows how many other guys are wearing my shirt at this very moment.
   
5. My e-card was funny. Who wouldn’t love to receive an e-card that has ducks flying across and dropping in to say a “quack” hello? Hilarious!
   
6. My e-card was free. Need I say more? Harvard ain’t going to pay for itself. We gotta cut costs somewhere in order to save money.

In closing, I did it for the baby.

Is it Me?

One of the things I’ve read about is how most women pick up their sex drive during the 2^nd trimester. That’s something I’ve been patiently waiting for ever since I found out the wife was pregnant. Unfortunately, it seems like I‘ll be kept waiting a bit longer.

Me: You know how most women have an increased sex drive during the 2^nd trimester?
Jessie: What about it?
Me: Well, I’ve been wondering why you still have no interest in it, and I think I’ve found the reason.
Jessie: And what is the reason?
Me: I just read that women who have a lot of back and abdominal pains throughout their pregnancy won’t be in the mood to think about sex. I was really beginning to worry that it was me. So silly of me to think that! This has taken a load off my mind.
Jessie: Or maybe it is you.
Me: Oh…

The Tape Don't Lie

Jessie: My back really hurts when I’m sleeping.
Me: You need to sleep on your side, preferably your left side. This helps improve the circulation of blood and nutrients to the baby.
Jessie: Yea, but it’s still not very comfortable.
Me: Well, sleeping on your back the way you do isn’t much better. When you sleep on your back, the weight of the uterus lies on the spine, back muscles, intestines, and blood vessels. This can cause backaches, hemorrhoids, low blood pressure, and a decrease in circulation to your body and the baby.
Jessie: Hmm…
Me: Plus, sleeping on your back makes you snore super loud.
Jessie: I don’t snore!
Me: Trust me, you do. I’m going to record you tonight when you fall asleep.
Jessie: You better not.

(The next night)

Me: Check this out. I recorded your snoring yesterday night.
Recording: zzz…SNORK…zzz…SNARK…zzz…SNOOOARRKK!!!...zzz…
Jessie: Ok, you can go sleep on the couch now.

Right Again

Me: Your skin has been looking rather pale. I thought the skin is supposed to be a lot more radiant when you’re pregnant.
Jessie: No, you’re supposed to look paler because all of your blood is going to the baby.
Me: Hmm…

I didn’t really buy into her explanation, but it was bedtime, and really didn’t want to get into a discussion over it and risk spending the night on the couch. That would be especially awkward, considering my parents are still here staying with us. 

Dad: Hey, what are you doing out on the couch?
Me: Uh, well, have you noticed yet how comfortable this couch is? It’s definitely got some quality springs and cushioning in it. It’s good for my bad back. Plus, I figured I’d be a gentleman and give Jessie some more room to sleep on in the bed.
Dad: Got kicked out of the bedroom, eh?
Me: Yea.
Dad: Stay strong, son. Stay strong.

As it turns out (not surprisingly), I’m correct and the skin is supposed to look a lot more radiant during pregnancy because of increased blood circulation (around 50% more) and higher levels of estrogen. Of course, not every woman is so lucky and the increase in hormones can cause problems such as acne. 

The wife’s pale skin is obviously not due to lack of blood as she had previously said. More than likely, it’s due to an iron deficiency. 

A lot of people out there, including my wife, probably think I’m constantly out to prove her wrong, but that’s not the case. If someone says something that’s not true, wouldn’t want to set the facts straight for them? I’m trying to be the Good Samaritan, not the dastardly Jewish teacher.

It’s like the time Jessie told me that Sarah Jessica Parker paid someone to be the surrogate mother for her baby. In the wife’s opinion, this was very vain of her. She thought Sarah Jessica Parker didn’t want to have the baby herself because she didn’t want to get fat and go through the pains of pregnancy.

However, I found out that she did previously have another baby naturally with husband, Matthew Broderick, and the only reason she hired a surrogate mother was because she wasn’t able to conceive again. 

I quickly set the record straight with the wife. I mean, after all, we wouldn’t want our baby growing up in a world where the information she receives is wrong, would we? Do you actually think Harvard would accept our daughter if she told them that 2 + 2 = 5? This is exactly what I’m trying to avoid.

The Yes Mam

Trying to be a polite, perfect daughter-in-law is coming back to haunt Jessie. Whenever my mother asks her to do something, she rarely refuses because she thinks it would be rude. My mom’s not exactly a slave driver, so things aren’t actually so bad. 

Jessie doesn’t want my mom to come with us to the doctor’s for out 21-week check-up because she has a lot of health concerns she wants to discuss with the doctor and doesn’t want my mother knowing and worrying about them. 

I can understand where she’s coming from because my mom is a worrier just like the wife. My mom’s health isn’t exactly great, so to give her an extra added burden to worry about wouldn’t be right. But when my mom asked the wife if it was OK for her and my dad to come along, she cheerfully, though reluctantly said yes.

Later, she came up with a plan to tell my mom that the doctor’s office is very small and cramped, so while yes, it’s OK for them to come, it probably wouldn’t be ideal. Plus, the wait would be long too. 

I felt a little guilty about this because this is going to be their first grandchild and it would definitely suck for them to miss out on seeing the baby on the ultrasound. Obviously, I was to be the bearer of bad news because the wife didn’t want to ruin her squeaky clean, daughter-in-law image.

Being the semi-obedient husband that I am, I followed through with the plan. Surprisingly, my mom didn’t seem to mind and understood our reasoning. I felt bad about disappointing my mom, but good about listening to the wife, thinking she would praise me for doing what she asked.

Nope. Not the case. She apparently had a change of heart and didn’t bother to tell me. Great! I asked if I should tell my mom that it’s OK for her to come again, but Jessie decided since I already told her not to come, we might as well stick to it. That wasn’t a good idea.

When we went out to eat with Jessie’s family, her mom asked my mom if she was excited about going with us to the doctor for the check-up. (Apparently she didn’t get the memo not to ask that question.) My mom said that she wasn’t going and Jessie’s mom looked completely shocked. 

Needless to say, Jessie was rather embarrassed and told my mom that we would love her to come. And in the end, she had nothing to worry about because the check-up was completed without a hitch.

Hopefully, this episode will make the wife think twice before doing something. Then again, that would just cause her to over-think even more.