Vindicated

Friend: Hey, it’s been a long time. How have you been? What’s new with you?
Jessie: I’m pregnant.
Friend: Really? Congratulations! I hope it’s a boy.
Jessie: Why?
Friend: This way, he can turn out handsome like your husband.
Jessie: What are you saying about me?
Friend: Well…, uh, so, how ‘bout them Lakers this year?

That's straight from the horse's mouth, folks! I bet you'all thought I was exaggerating when I said I was abnormally handsome. So much for all that talk about me being a troll. Have you ever seen a handsome troll? The defense rests!

Back to Square One

Let’s say, hypothetically speaking, that I wake up one morning and my Achilles heel is rather stiff and walking is a bit difficult. Suppose my wife tells me to take it easy and not move around so much. However, I still hobble walk around the house doing my usual things.

Later on, she’s in the shower and asks me to come and open the door for her because it’s become too steamy inside. I holler back that my Achilles heel is still sore and shouldn’t be walking around, even though the bathroom door is less than 10 steps away from where I’m sitting, watching TV. She keeps asking me to help her open the door, but I just tune her out.

Now, what would you think of me? You’d label me a cruel, selfish man, correct? You’d tell me that I deserve to spend the rest of eternity on my timeout couch. But what if the roles were reversed and instead of me being the one injured, it was my wife, and the one in the shower was me. What would you say now? Exactly. You’d still tell me that I deserve to spend the rest of eternity on my timeout couch.

Life is full of injustices. I have to learn to accept that. Forget the feminist movement. Men and women are not created equally. For my part, I’m still as immature as ever. I haven’t changed a bit. I could have, should have opened the door myself. For whatever reason, I just wanted to see if she’d do it for me. Childish, I know. And when she didn’t, it upset me. But it shouldn’t have. She’s injured and she’s pregnant. That’s a combination I should have known not to mess with. It’s like giving a kid a lighter and a stick of dynamite and thinking nothing bad could come of it.

I believe most men are on a learning curve when it comes to understanding woman. We’re forever trying to close the gap that separates us. After all, men are from Mars and women are from Venus. This gap turns into a chasm when you toss pregnancy into the mix. We fall even further behind, or in my case, really, really behind. The wife is right to call me a turtle.

And that’s how I wound up celebrating the end of Jessie’s first trimester on the timeout couch. Here’s to a better second trimester!

Call of the Wild

Today’s our fourth visit to the doctor. Jessie’s approximately 13 weeks pregnant now. The doctor arrives and we’re able to see our baby’s heart beating on the sonogram, which was pretty cool. However, we can’t hear the heartbeat because we’re in a different room this time that doesn’t have a sound system. Guess you can’t have your cake and eat it too.

Later that night, my mom calls and asks how the check-up went. I told her we were able to see our baby’s heart beating, and it was strong. Strong like a herd of galloping, wild mustangs on the Western plains. Strong as a lion on the plains of the savannah as it pronounces its reign over the animal kingdom with a mighty roar.

My mom seems to be enjoying the mental picture I paint for her of wild mustangs and lions. I’m just fulfilling my filial duties.

You've Been Punked

Me: Hey, Anita. Jessie and I were at a restaurant the other day and we saw Vincent there. We saw him, but he didn’t see us. We took a picture of him. Here, look.

(Anita and Vincent look at the picture.)

Anita: Oh, yea. He went out to eat by himself this week.
Vincent: I sure did.
Me: But wait. There’s more. He wasn’t alone. We caught him with another woman! Take a look at this picture.

(Anita and Vincent look at the second picture.)

Anita: Wha-?!! You two-timing, son of a –
Vincent: But, but…
Me: You've just been punked!! Hahahaha!!

(Silence)

Come on now! Am I seriously the only one who found this joke funny?

To Be or Not To Be

To those wondering or concerned, your fearless expert has made it back into the good graces of his wife, and more importantly, back into the bedroom. Sleeping on the couch gives me these painful neck cricks.

In hindsight, I think a lot of my struggles lie in the fact that I still act and think like a middle school kid even though I am a grown man. The wife constantly says that when the baby comes, she’ll be raising two kids instead of one. She drove this point home as we were having dinner.

We were having hotpot at a restaurant and saw a man that looked very similar to her sister’s boyfriend. I said it would be funny if we secretly took a picture of the man and the woman he was with, show it to her second sister, Anita, and say that we caught her boyfriend cheating with another woman. The wife rolls her eyes and says this is exactly why I get in trouble so often and why no one can take me seriously.

In my defense, this skill of mine allows me to better understand and connect with the age group I work with on a daily basis. However, I understand her concern. It's time to be a man, not a man-child. But that can wait until after I show her sister the photos I took!

Money Matters

Last night, we had our monthly argument about money. Jessie was complaining about her job, which she really dislikes, and I made the off-hand comment of how she should find a job that she enjoys. She’s immediately ticked off and asks how she’s supposed to find another job when she’s pregnant.

Of course, this leads to the fact that I don’t make enough and don’t care to make more, that we don’t have our own place and have to depend on others, and that I couldn’t care less about our future. I should have known better than to open my big, fat mouth. I had it coming.

As punishment for my own stupidity, I put myself in timeout for the night. That's what I’ve decided to call our couch. I think about the things she’s said. Though I don’t agree with a lot of it, I know that actions speak louder than words. 


I wonder how much longer I’m going to keep ending up here. I can see it now. Our kid has outgrown his timeout chair and moved on to bigger and better things, and there I am, still on the timeout couch. It’s a very bleak picture.

I really hate fighting with the wife. It's a battle lost before a single shot is even fired. However, now that she’s pregnant, I’m more worried when we get into an argument. The majority of the time, I try to keep her as calm as possible, but sometimes, things just boil over. Have you ever tried stopping a linebacker from barreling you over? I never have, but I figure Jessie’s a good substitute, and believe me, it’s not easy.

I know that too much stress may cause birth defects, a preterm labor, or a miscarriage, which is ever the more reason to keep the wife cool. But did you know that stress in small amounts is actually good for the body? It’s been shown that the chemicals produced while under stress, such as cortisol, help facilitate organ growth and development in the fetus. These children, by the age of two, are more advanced in their mental and motor development than other children their age.

Here’s my updated equation for having a smart kid:
Developing Fetus x (Exercise + Stress) = Harvard.

Now, before every pregnant woman is up in arms against me, I’m not saying that women should purposely put themselves in stressful situations. Nor am I advocating that husbands get into a fistacuff with their spouse. 

There’s good stress and there’s bad stress. And any time you have too much of either one, it can be bad for your body. But at the same time, an occasional short spat with your loved one could be just what your baby needs. Plus, it’s good to air out all your frustrations.

I believe the goal here isn’t to have a stress-free life. That’s impossible. The goal is to take that stress and focus it into something positive. In our case, I need to take the stress of money problems and apply it towards making more!

So, to my dear wife Jessie, you’re welcome for last night’s argument. I had this all planned out right from the very beginning.

The Expert Knows Best

Moving around has started getting a bit tougher for the wife now. It takes her longer to get from point A to point B, and she walks in a shuffling manner. Last night, she asked me if this was normal for pregnant women. I said that it was. She replied back that I didn’t know what I was talking about and was just making up an answer. She says I should have just said that I didn’t know. 

The truth is, I did know the answer. I was just too tired to go through my mental index of facts to pull out the one related to her problem. But now that it’s morning and I’m well-rested, I can give her a full response.

Your difficulty in walking is due to the body producing relaxin (not to be confused with chillin’ and relaxin’), which is a pregnancy hormone. This begins in the early stages of pregnancy, sometimes as early as the second week, is produced in large amounts during the first trimester, and continues until birth.

What is the purpose of relaxin, you ask? Well, it helps loosen ligaments and joints around the pelvic region in preparation for giving birth. The loosening of these ligaments and joints makes your body less stable, hence the difficulty in walking. It is also one of the causes for the lower back pains you are experiencing. 

Here’s your lesson of the day: Don’t doubt the expert!